They’re watching us. From the high treetops to the lowly sidewalks, nothing stops their advance into our daily lives. They are entrenched into the highest levels of authority at this University. They laugh at me when I pass by and attack without warning. They are unstoppable.
They are squirrels.
You’re probably saying to yourself, “How can this be? Squirrels? But they’re so cute and furry.”
Cute and furry, indeed. These are the same monsters who throw nuts at me and laugh at my pain and suffering. This camouflage is only meant to allow them to invade our society and claim it for their own imperial goals.
Squirrels have been in the background in many historical events, working their evils from behind the scenes. For instance, Hitler’s beloved pet Mutter Geliebter was the mastermind behind Hitler’s reign of terror during World War II.
There are even rumors of certain University administrators who have been compromised by the bushy-tailed gestapo. That’s right, the same people you trust to raise your tuition and fees are being controlled by these beasts. The entire board of trustees now make decisions based on decrees from the “squirrel mother” herself.
Why would they do this, you ask? Simply put, squirrels want to take over the world, and in a way they already have.
Just to show the severity of the squirrel offensive, let me tell you my own personal story.
A few months ago on a cloudy, damp day, I was quietly walking to class, oblivious to the fact that I was being followed. They came a few at a time and I thought to myself, “my, there are a lot of squirrels out today.” That was my last thought before I heard some scratching on the pavement behind me. My pace quickened as the noise became louder. I turned around to find myself faced by at least 15 of the little punks. I felt I had to take action to insure my survival.
They almost came at me in waves. The first wave knocked me off my feet so the rest could terminate me. Their attack was quick and painful. Several of the little bastards went for my umbrella, the only item I had to protect myself. However, I was able to whack a few of them before they were successful. To make a long story short, all that was left of me after this attack was some ragged clothes, a piece of my bookbag and a note that simply read, “we’ll be back.”
I am fearful, but next time I will be ready.
What can you do to protect yourself? You have several options, ranging from arming yourself with the best in military-grade weaponry to joining the Clemson University Anti-Squirrel Coalition. No matter your preferred defense, protect your campus, but first, protect yourself. Guns don’t kill people, squirrels kill people. But guns do kill squirrels.
They are watching.