They have returned. They said they would be back and they are.
Our bushy-tailed friends thought they had disposed of me, but they were wrong, and this time I am prepared.
The squirrels are back.
If you thought Clemson squirrels were huge, you haven’t seen anything. The Tiger staff went to Washington last month for a national conference and, when we weren’t attending classes, we went touring.
We saw all sorts of historical sites, but the one thing that impressed me the most was the bulk of the D.C. squirrels. These guys make Dick Cheney look like a toothpick. One was so plump that it appeared that he had devoured his own tail. Not even our squirrels stoop so low to pack on the pounds.
Fortunately, none followed us onto the airplane, so I am confident that we did not bring any of the little fat punks with us. Perhaps it was for the best, as it appears that they boarded a separate flight to Florida, where they would ensure that their “Bush”y-tailed candidate won the election. That’s right, those cute, furry creatures that harass you daily on your trek to class have operatives in the Sunshine State.
What does this mean to us? Indeed it means that Bush has a certain victory and we’re in for four years of squirrel rule.
Forget about the “squirrel mother” running the board of trustees, we have bigger problems in the infestation of the Supreme Court. The Court only sent the trial back to Florida so they could concentrate their efforts on resistance, but as those of us who have experienced the squirrel onslaught firsthand—resistance is futile. And Katherine Harris? You know she’s one of them too.
The problem is expanding, not only in national politics, but in our daily lives as we are being quietly overrun by these pretenders.
My fellow Tiger staff believes I am crazy when I talk about the squirrels, but little do they know that the gestapo has assimilated our own leader. Yes, Phillip Caston (beloved editor-in-chief and darling of the administration) has been absorbed by the posse that we have tried so hard to destroy.
Who’s next? The news editor? The advertising production manager? The managing editor?
Even my fish may have become one with the collective before my very eyes.
Will you be their next victim? How can you protect yourself?
Certainly, rifles and such are effective, but are by no means accurate. I suggest small nuclear mines as efficient low-cost solutions.
Once again, I call to arms people of all creeds to fight these imposters and destroy the forces of evil and nuthood.
Again I firmly believe in the phrase, “Guns don’t kill people, squirrels kill people. But guns do kill squirrels.”
I ask that all Clemson students help fight for human rights in destroying the squirrels before they destroy you. Don’t be a victim, make them your victim.